I’ve been helping people find the right lawyer for their case since 2001.  I’ve helped almost 400,000 people and I almost never see a situation where I don’t know a lawyer for the person who needs help.

But I’ve come across a person who is so difficult that he keeps losing lawyers.  He claims to have a lot of money and it’s a really high profile case.  Attorneys love clients with money and they love high profile cases, but nobody wants to go near this case.  This guy not only claims to be hugely rich, but also says that everyone says so.  Yet top criminal attorneys like Dan Webb want nothing to do with him.

Part of the problem is that this potential client thinks he’s smarter than every lawyer out there.  He doesn’t need their advice because he knows more about law than all of them.  Everyone says so he claims.  When the lawyers tell him to stop tweeting about his case because it makes defending him more difficult and increases the chances he will be charged and convicted of a crime he shows them who’s boss and just tweets more.

It’s not too hard of a job really.  The number one thing a lawyer would have to do is prevent him from testifying under oath because if he does he will surely get charged with perjury and not the “it depends what the definition of “it” is type of perjury.  In fact, given how often he’s been sued in his life, it’s kind of a miracle that he hasn’t gone down for perjury already.

What qualifications does a lawyer need to represent this amazing client who can’t find a lawyer that wants his case?  Getting on Fox News would be a good start. Not being an uggo like Ted Cruz’s wife or a fatso like Rosey would certainly help, unless you are a man then you can look however you want.  The biggest qualifications would be the ability to silently listen as your client regales you with stories of the different women who want to f him, the people he knows who are total losers and on some days, stories of classified national secrets.  Knowledge of international finance laws and the Logan Act are probably helpful too.

Bonus available if you have no problem with your advice being ignored and getting yelled at for delivering bad news.  The client allegedly is worth billions, but would prefer to have you bill him and pay later as he says he always pays his contractors except for the losers and haters who he will gladly pay once he gets sued.

Interested parties can apply in person at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave or just @ him and see how that goes.  Act fast as many top law firms and lawyers want to represent him despite none of them actually doing so.